Thoughts

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- The date above the title is incorrect. That's when I started this foolish section. I've been adding to it as I can.

- If a cat were left outside to fend for itself, it wouldn't eat beef or other cow meat. It wouldn't eat fish. It would eat other small animals. Maybe the cat food companies could start making varieties of cat food to reflect this. I'm thinking mouse, pigeon, small birds...make'em all into cat food.

- And on a related note: Do the makers of my cat's treats really think the cat knows that the snack is shaped like a fish? Or a drumstick?

- Why is it that some states want to make a mandatory sex-offender registry? Why just sex-offenders? I would think that the neighbors would be equally concerned if a convicted murderer is living next door. Why don't we register them, too? What about the guy who has a penchant for breaking into houses? Why is it that he does his time, and then no one has to know about it? Throw his name on a public "bad boy" list! My point here is...Where does it stop once it begins? Our system is not supposed to work as who ever has broken the law is going to be branded forever after. If we're going to allow someone to get out, then we have to take the position that this person has "paid his debt." I'm not saying that dangerous people should be able to wander freely. Nor do I have an answer that would satisfy my own mind about how to keep creeps out of my way. But, once they're released based on societal convention, we can't still treat them as prisoners. Don't believe me? Think I'm nuts? Put yourself in that situation. Don't tell me that you'd find a way to accept it.

- Stop your whining about gas prices. Is it really that bad?

- (How do you like that H2 now?)

- How does anybody get hit by a train? Really...how do you not get out of the way of a train?

- I recently saw what I thought was a satirical poster which was planted on the wall of the company kitchen at work. It was about the Flat Earth Society, and the stuff on the poster was pretty funny. I decided to look up this organization and I found out they are for real. I went to their website, which has a discussion board. These folks apparently are convinced that the Earth is flat. Now, I'm all for intelligent debate and some of the posts by this org's members seemed sincere. However, none of them could support their belief by fact. There were plenty of posts from "round-earthers" that gave examples of why it's impossible for the planet to be flat, and they asked how anybody could believe otherwise. The answers were pretty much "Just because...we just do." What is it with some people that they have to take up contrary positions to proven knowledge simply because they want to believe what others don't?? Check it out and see for yourself.

- New twist on an old question:  If nothing is around to see an object, does that object exist?

- We hear the term "third-world nation" on the news a lot. What would be a "second-world" nation?

- Have you ever noticed that you never see thick chocolate covered mints?

- Why is it that we build up tolerance to some drugs but not others? The longer your drinking careers goes, the more of a tolerance you have for alcohol. The longer you smoke pot, the more you need in order to get as high. How come the allergy medication that I've taken every day for years does not hold that property? It always works at the same dosage.

- Did it ever occur to you that you don't feel wet until the source of the wetness is taken away? When you jump into a pool you feel cooled off, but you don't feel "wet" until you get out of the water.

- It's been almost four years, and I still can't believe that the bastards knocked down those towers.

- And on that subject...if your god created everything, then he also created evil, right? Think about that the next time you're praying to him.


- Why does swearing bother people? I know that sometimes it's the feelings behind the words that make it bad, but generally speaking, what's the big deal? What makes one word worse than any other? Who made up the rules? Call someone a paperclip and he looks at you funny. Call him an asshole and he gets mad. I don't get it. Words are words.

- And anyway, why the hell should you care if someone thinks you're an asshole?

- If you find "The One" and it turns out that you can't have that person for whatever reason, does it make sense to keep looking? I'm not sure I buy the whole "fish in the sea" story. I don't see the point in what I would consider to be settling for a lesser choice.

- Why can't the different manufacturers of the auto industry decide to have the gas cap location standardized? Put 'em all on the same side!

- I was thinking about the Big Bang today. Well, not exactly. Something related to it. I was thinking about how astonomers use the Doppler effect and spectography to determine if other celestial bodies are coming toward, or moving away from, us. The data they gather show that the universe is expanding, supposedly because of the "blue shift," which indicates that things are speeding away from us. I have a small problem with this, and here is where the Big Bang comes in. If everything started as a point and blew up, and we are but a spark in an expanding ball of whatever, that would mean that there are things behind us, as well as in front of us, and heading in the same direction. The things that are in front of us would appear to be pulling away, hence the blue shift. But are we to assume that everything the astronomers studied is ahead of us? Can't be. Those things that are behind, I would think, would appear to be either coming toward us, or at the very least, not moving. Think about it...the car behind you on the highway doesn't appear to be moving unless it's speeding up to you. So with the Big Bang, the things that took off immediately after our planetoid SHOULD appear to be motionless. This, of course, assumes a straight line from the point of explosion. This shouldn't be too hard to imagine.

- Why do people cough and sneeze into their hands? Don't they see how unsanitary it is? I pull the neck of my shirt up over my mouth.
- One of the best scenes in any movie is when Patricia Arquette and James Gandolfini fight at the Safari Hotel in "True Romance."

- Of all the incredibly stupid things humans do in the name of being humanitarian, one of the most foolish is this business of having the president pardon two turkeys on Thanksgiving, and then sending the fucking things to Disney World. Then the people there make one of these turkeys the honorary Grand Marshal of the parade. What is the point of this insanity? Does the turkey know what's going on? Nope. As a matter of fact, I'd wager the thing is sort of scared by all the noise. It's gotta be a guilt-freeing gesture for us.

- Why is it that every year, we, who live in the northern part of the country, hear about the same winter-related "tragedies?" People falling through ice on a pond that's not yet frozen...highway pile-ups after the first snowstorm...things like that. Why don't people learn? I don't mean that in a condescending way. I mean it honestly. Why can't people learn?

- If you're not moved by the way Sinead O'Connor sings "Troy" (Lion and the Cobra, 1988) then you don't have feelings. Even almost 20 years later, that song gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it.

- How come you generally don't find dishes that contain cheese in a Chinese restaurant?

- When I use my turn signals in my car, what is making that clicking sound?

- I don't understand something about our country's immigrants. Understand that I have no problem having them here, as long as they're here legally. Thank you for doing our shitty jobs that we ourselves don't want to do, and good luck to you trying to provide your family with the life you envisioned for them. I hope you succeed. And I'm not one of those fuckheads that yells "learn the language or get out." (If YOU are one of those people, go swallow a shotgun, asshole. It takes time to learn a new language, especially as an adult. You have no idea what the person you're yelling about does in his spare time. He may very well be trying. That's what OUR country is all about. Moron.) What I don't understand is the need for most (I guess) of them to hold on to their heritage, wave their flags, etc. Maybe I just see it in the media and I'm painting everyone in the group with the same brush, but it does look like they're unable to give up their pride in the countries in which they were born. I'm not the type of person who is brimming with patiotism, but I do get why people want to come here. What I don't get is this: There was a reason they left their homelands, so why the allegiance? Take your pick - they were miserable, they couldn't get ahead, there was no chance in the world that they could provide for their families. Fuck, maybe they were escaping from their governments' oppression. In essence, they left because their countries sucked. Listen, I'm not saying "rah rah America rules" here. I'm saying there was something about their countries that was not allowing them to pursue whatever it is they needed to pursue. Fantastic reason for getting the hell out of there and finding a place that would allow them the opportunity, and I am proud that this country can help out in that regard. But when they come here and fly the flags of the land they just left, and they demand that we recognize their holidays, etc etc etc, it confuses me. If something happened here in the US that compelled me to move to another country --and maybe even become naturalized in that country-- my relocation would be a huge statement saying that I reject what my country stood for. I can't imagine I'd be demanding the people there to "let me be an American" in my new home.

- I did not ever give Equifax, Experian, or TRW my permission to collect information about me. In fact, I was never asked for my permission. So why should I have to pay to view my own damn credit report?

BITCH PAGE(this is where you find out if you might be a fucking idiot)

April 2006: Alright already. Some people need an explanation of the terminology, so they're not SO offended. My idea of a "Fucking Idiot" is someone who is clearly lacking in any noticeable amount of common sense. If you're offended by that, consider yourself smarter than most of the Fucking Idiots who are too stupid to realize they're being talked about here. Why it even matters to you that I think this way is beyond me. Sheesh



Being human beings, we all do some stupid things. All of us. However, there are some things that go beyond simple, innocent boneheadedness. These would be the stupid things that were done after a conscious decision was made beforehand. You may consider yourself to be a Fucking Idiot (by my rules....my blog, remember?) if you actively engage in any of the behaviors that follow......

If you want to suggest something for 'fucking idiot' behavior, gimme a shout. I'll give you proper credit.

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You litter. Are you really that lazy? Is it gonna kill you to keep your trash in your car until you get home? Will you be THAT burdened to keep your Hostess Fruit Pie wrapper in your fucking pocket until you can find a trash barrel? Worse yet, do you really have that much of a disregard for yourself and your surroundings that you can justify throwing garbage wherever it is convenient for you? You're a loser. Put your cigarette butts in the ashtray. Stop throwing your losing lottery tickets on the sidewalk in front of the store, and try using the barrel that you're probably leaning against.
You're a lottery junkie. Speaking of lottery tickets, do you know how dumb you look buying an arms-length of scratch-off tickets, scratching them all right there in line, then taking your "winners" (I WON TWO DOLLARS! I WON TWO DOLLARS!) and repeating the cycle ad nauseum? Spend your money on food. Spend your money on a magazine and learn something. Give it to me! Go do something. But for Christ's sake, stop holding up the line.
You hold up the line. Please, you've had 5 minutes to look at the menu board. Know what kind of fucking donut you want when it's your turn to order. It's a donut. It's not the most important decision you'll make today. At least I hope not.
You eat donuts and you're fat. Do I believe that fat people should be able to enjoy an occasional fatty snack? Yes I do. But you know what? When we see your fat ass munching on junk food, the rest of us don't take that enjoyment into consideration. Looks to us like you're just a fat-ass eating donuts...again.
OK, maybe it doesn't qualify as being a fucking idiot. Too harsh. But for Christ's sake if you're gonna look like that, you should be more self-conscious. I'm only thinking about you :-)
You rubberneck. No doubt about this one. Does it make any sense at all that an accident on the northbound side should affect southbound traffic? If you're part of the group of shitheads that slows down to look at an accident, you're definitely on the idiot list. What are you hoping to see anyway? Is it worth the traffic jam you're causing? Look straight ahead and drive. Get the fuck out of the way of the grown-ups.
You don't know cell phone etiquette. When you're in a room full of people, even if they're your friends, and your phone rings, excuse yourself and LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM TO TAKE THE CALL YOU FUCKING MORON! No one wants to hear your conversation about why Billy should've stood up to Margaret, or why you think Todd is being a jerk to his friends. Can you really not understand how rude that is?
You wait in line for hours to buy anything. 'Nuff said.
You kick and scream and punch and act like a fucking animal during the sale you just waited in line to get into early. If you take part in those holiday stampedes, just to save 5 bucks on something that, in the grand scheme of things, is completely unimportant, you really need to take stock of yourself. Is it really worth it? Fighting over a fucking doll?
You're offended by somebody's cartoon. It's a fucking cartoon, dummy. It's ONE PERSON'S take on whatever the subject is. He (or she) has the absolute fucking right to draw whatever makes him happy. If other perople think it's funny, good for him. If you don't like, too fucking bad for you. Don't look at it again. Yes, you have the right to protest and do whatever foolishness you feel is appropriate as long as you don't hurt anybody, but what got you so riled up in the first place...the fact that someone really doesn't like what you like? It makes you that mad that someone has the audacity to be vocal against something YOU believe in? You know what? Go fuck yourself then, you narrow-minded prick.


Keep'em coming, people!

A Canadian woman recently had a hard time remembering the lyrics to the American national anthem at the beginning of a Canadian-American hockey game. When she stumbled on the words, the crowd began to boo, and this further exacerbated the problem: She forgot more of the words. Take note here that this was in Quebec, and this woman's first language is French. She left the ice in tears.

This drives me fucking crazy. What is it about human beings that we have the need to shit upon our own? (Like what I'm doing right now, ironically enough) Is it really so bad that she forgot the words? Did she do it intentionally? I don't believe so. Should I feel insulted? I don't. What about you? If you find this inexcusable, let me ask you... Do YOU know the lyrics to the Canadian national anthem? OK, maybe you do. Can you sing it in fucking French? I thought not.

As of this night, 61% of AMERICANS don't know the lyrics to their own anthem, according to one study. When asked, "What line follows '...Whose broad stripes and bright stars...?'" more than a third couldn't come up with the words. How'd YOU do with that question? I'll bet you bombed.

Imagine being this woman at that time. True, she was hired as a professional and was expected to be prepared. But given that the accident happened, how easy...how cowardly... is it for the people in the stands to boo her? Could any one of them have done any better?

Blue Moon

Part I

I had so many questions even before she got in the car. She answered one of them as soon as she closed the door, before I could speak: “I hate this job so much,” she said as she dialed my phone to see where her (our?) first job was. She dropped her near-empty plastic bottle of Diet Sprite on the floor at her feet. She did not look like the type of person I expected to be picking up. She looked...well...normal. If I had passed her on the sidewalk, I would've thought she was just another college kid.
Do I know where the Westin Copley Hotel is? Sure. Seeing as this was my first night ever doing this, I wasn't clear on where we'd be going during the night, and, truth be told, I was a bit worried. But this is great because I know I’ll be able to keep myself occupied in downtown Boston for that hour. But we’re 10 minutes away in Charlestown, so we get to talk a bit. "Why do you do it, then?" To pay for school. Her parents aren’t helping at all. "Can’t you do something else if you hate this so much?" No answer. I am not judging her. How can I? I don’t believe she’s doing anything wrong, and I tell her so. I wouldn’t be driving her around if I thought it was wrong. “As long as you don’t think you’re hurting yourself, then don’t feel bad. You’re taking advantage of stupid guys. If you can live with it, then all the power to you,” I say. She chuckles in appreciation. I notice she's got a demure smile, as if she's slightly embarrassed. The look she gave me hinted that she needed me to understand; that she owed me an explanation even though we met, literally, five minutes ago. I do understand, even though she’s only nineteen (and looks it). I realize at that moment that I want nothing from her except my money at the end of the night. I’m absolutely not interested in any “freebies" that may or may not be offered later on (they weren’t), and I’m very relieved to feel this way. This will be strictly a working relationship, and I feel that she must be able to trust me. She doesn’t need me to be just another customer.

Bob B.is in room 3228 with $225. $50 of that will be mine. Am I supposed to disappear for an hour? She prefers that I stay close so she can get right out when the hour’s up. I can’t hang out outside the Westin. No parking, a lot of cab stands, so I drop her off and go to a record store. I read some magazines, then walk to Starbuck’s for coffee and a big cookie. As I’m paying, I think to myself that while I’m relaxing and putzing around, there are at least two people in Boston who are getting laid.
I find a parking spot next to the Hancock Tower. I drink coffee and read a newspaper for a little while, and then the phone rings. “I’m done.” I’m a half-block away so I’m at the Westin in less than a minute. I had bought her a Diet Sprite while I was out and I handed it to her when she got back in the car. She seemed surprised that I had done this for her, but she was appreciative. I figure it's the least I can do because of how she feels about all this. I don't say that to her, of course, and I don’t dare ask her how it went up there in room 3228. She uses my phone to call the agency. They need to know when she enters and leaves a call. They tell her to hang tight and they'll call back with another job.

Do I know where the SwissHotel is? Sure. [Hey, this job's gonna be great for me if all I have to do is run from hotel to hotel!] A guy with a name neither of us can pronounce is waiting in room 817 with a credit card. Casey has no credit card forms. We’ll have to wait for someone to bring her some. We wait on Newbury Street. The Explorer pulls up next to us after roughly 15 minutes. The forms are handed through the window. A simple “thank you” by Casey, and the Explorer leaves. She’d never met anyone she works for at the agency, so there was no small talk necessary.
I find a spot across the street from the front door of the hotel. Not bad considering it’s ten o’clock on a Friday night. I decide I’ll just hang out in the lounge while she’s upstairs. She hates hotels because she feels like everyone is looking at her as she heads through the lobby to the elevator. I guess I could understand that if she was "dressed for the role," but like I said, she looks like just another girl. We don’t walk in together, just the same. She goes upstairs, I watch football and have a Guinness at the bar. The other bar patrons and the friendly female bartender haven’t got the slightest clue why I’m there. I’m just another hotel guest as far as they know.
Mister whatever-his-name-is didn’t need the full hour. 45 minutes into it Casey’s ready to go. She’ll meet me at the car. It’s almost 11:00 and starting to snow. She calls in for the next job. Chris B.in Roslindale. Roslindale? What the hell am I gonna do for an hour in Roslindale? We’re 20 minutes away and Casey calls Chris B. to tell him we’re on the way over. She tells me she's relieved to be leaving the city proper. She prefers private homes because she doesn't feel as exposed publically. It's because of the private homes that she always uses a driver. When she gets to the destination, the hiring party knows she's not really alone. I drop her off after getting a bit lost. I badly need a mens’ room so I hit the Dunkin’ Donuts in Rozzy Square. Nice bunch of people in this section of the city at midnight.
I go back to the street and park at the corner. I’m glad it’s snowing because the windows will soon be covered and offer me a hiding place. I don’t imagine that the neighbors would take kindly to someone camped out by their homes at this time of night. I'm more at ease, but I’m bored. I don’t want to put on the light in order to read, as this would call attention to the car. And I don’t want to take a nap (this will change as I get used to the job), so I just sit.
My phone rings at 12:40. I pick her up. It’s snowing at a good clip by now. The agency wants us to go to Danvers next! Casey doesn’t know where that is, but gathers from my reaction that it ain’t just up the street. I tell her it’s almost an hour away without snow. Neither of us wants to go that distance in this storm. She calls Dana at the agency and relates this to her. Dana won't hear of it. "Don't you want to make money tonight," she asks Casey, as if she, Dana, were doing us a favor by sending us all the way out there. After a few minutes of what was obviously an uphill battle, Casey relents and hangs up, then calls the guy who wants to hire her. She tells him we're far away and we'll be there as soon as we can, but it'll take a while. He tells her not to worry about it because the weather is so bad. I guess he figured he could find another escort service closer to his hotel than where we were. We're both glad he's letting us off the hook. Casey calls the agency to relay that message. Dana begrudgingly accepts what has happened, but she had already talked to the customer to confirm that we were not trying to duck out of a job. She asks us to hang out for a bit to see if any other calls come in. A different woman,Tess, called us back after only ten minutes to say the weather is too bad for us to stay out. Tess is a lot easier to deal with than Dana, and a lot more reasonable. To Casey's surprise, Tess tells her that she won't have to cash out tonight, but that they'll take care of it tomorrow night instead. This is a big deal because Casey is holding more than $400 in cash. Tess is putting a lot of faith in Casey, it is clear.

So that means we’re done for the night, even though it’s only a little earlier than 1 am. Casey tells me that she's usually working until 3 or 4 on weekends. Not tonight, thankfully. It’ll take us at least a half-hour to get back to Charlestown, so I decide to start asking questions. Casey seems to be very comfortable with me now. It is during the ride home that she will admit to me that her real name is Julie. I felt comfortable enough to ask her, “Is it always sex? Is it ever just a lonely guy looking for a friend for an hour?” No, it’s usually sex or a massage. She tells me some war stories about when she and one or two of her friends all did this at the same time. She giggles when she tells these stories, which I find cute but odd. “Does it ever get scary?” Not really. One time she forgot to block her phone number when she called a guy to confirm the date. The guy kept calling her afterward. That’s about as scary as it got for her.
She’s got a boyfriend back at school, two hours away, who doesn’t know she’s doing this. I start to wonder in the midst of this storm: What if I have an accident and she gets hurt? How would she explain to him what she was doing in my car at this time of night? I don’t ask. I don’t want to give her anymore shit to think about. I’m enjoying my time with her.

Casey wants me to drop her off at her front door, which surprises me. When I picked her up, she'd insisted that I meet her at the corner so I wouldn't see where she lives. I’m pleased that I have gained her trust. She hands me $125 for the three jobs. I get $50 for each of the first two, then $25 for each one after that. I thank her and she says “you’re welcome” with that nice smile. The next time I drive for her, she will give me a hug at the end of the night. She really is a sweet kid.

I didn’t think about that night on the way home. It was just a job that I’ll do again next weekend. A few days later, though, I started to think about what my female friends would say if they found out about this. There are a couple who would take a swing at me, I'm sure. However, I'd felt that I’d done nothing wrong or "dirty" that night, and , although she doesn't adore this job, neither did Casey. I hoped that I would work with her again. I looked forward to getting to know some of the other girls as well, especially if they were as cool as Casey. That’s really why I’m doing this. To see the “human side” of their jobs...